Escape-Proof Harness? My Raccoon Says “Bet.”
Title: Why Is Buying a Raccoon Harness Like Shopping in 1843?
Okay, I need to vent.
You can buy a harness for:
a 1.5 lb chihuahua who hates walking
a 10 lb cat who also hates walking
a hamster (???)
and, somehow, a chicken in three fashionable prints
But the moment you type “raccoon harness” the internet is like:
“Best I can do is small dog harness… and vibes.”
Meanwhile my raccoon is built like a tiny furry linebacker with:
shoulders of an Olympic swimmer
the flexibility of a slinky
and hands that can pick a lock, steal your snacks, and then file a complaint about the fit
Every harness I try is either:
Too loose (She reverse-Houdinis out of it)
Too tight (She looks at me like I committed crimes)
“Escape-proof” (lies)
Made of materials that scream “I will chafe your weird little armpits.”
And don’t get me started on sizing charts.
“Chest: 14–18 inches.”
Sir. My raccoon’s chest is 14 inches when She’s relaxed and 18 inches when She spots a grape.
Pet industry, please: I am begging you.
Give us a real raccoon harness line:
reinforced stitching
“grabby-hand resistant” buckles
“I rolled in something suspicious” washable fabric
and a style called Midnight Bandit Matte Black
Until then, I will be in the corner, adjusting straps for the 900th time, while my raccoon stands there like:
“Wow. You really thought that would hold me.”
Anyone found a harness that actually works for raccoon-shaped chaos? Drop brands, mods, or pics of your escape artists. 🦝💨
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